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don't tell me we're forgiven;
Luke tells his team that he's taking his lunch hour in the West End. He swings by a local Cuban place before he goes to Janet's apartment building, loosening his tie in the extra few moments it takes her to limp her way to the door. It's the first time he's seen her with the cane, dressed down in loose-fitting clothes to accomodate the bandages that cover the gunshot wounds.

"Hi," she says wearily, stepping back to let him inside. Luke shuts the door for her with his elbow, reflexively putting his free hand on her shoulder to steady her as she carefully makes her way back to the couch. "I'm surprised you're here alone," he admits, knowing how much she hates to be isolated. Janet sighs. "I didn't want to interrupt his work."

The words make Luke bite his tongue while he sets the take-out bag on the table and folds his suit jacket over the back of the couch. It makes him crazy that Janet always puts herself second, and no longer being her boyfriend has surprisingly freed him up to feel even more annoyed with it. As if the end of their relationship freed him up to feel things without any kind of obligation. But that also means his own feelings are a mess, like she doesn't know that considering he called her almost crying three hours ago.

"I'm sorry if this is weird." He goes with that instead as he sits beside her, resting his elbows on his knees. They both know if Holden were home, he wouldn't want him there, and that makes this all feel slightly sordid. "I just... I haven't been handling this well at all."

"I haven't either." Janet replies flatly.

"I know, which is why I didn't want to say anything about it." Luke has always been terrible about dealing with his emotions, which is why he never gets into them; he hates putting himself into any situation he can't win. Especially now it feels selfish to talk about how he's upset and scared when he knows it's a thousand times worse for her. "But I don't really have anyone else to talk to."

At least anyone he feels comfortable being vulnerable with. He could call up any one of a dozen acquaintances to drink or flirt with but that's not what Luke wants. He wants someone to get that he almost lost the woman he loves for a second time and it's fucking with him. Once is a freak accident. Twice is making this seem legitimately real.

Janet sighs. It feels odd having to comfort him when she's in so much pain but her mothering instinct makes her want to be there for him anyway. "I get it," she says, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder. "I appreciate that you still care."

"I'll always care."

There's silence as they open up the food. Luke glances at Janet, looking into her eyes to get a sense of what's going on in her head. He can see the pain, the self-loathing, the frustration that she's stuck here while the rest of the world is passing her by. He knows from their conversations before their break up that she's feeling pressure to settle down and now it feels like she's lost all her plans for the future.

"I'm thinking of retiring," she admits. Something she'd never say to Holden or Michael. "Getting out while I still can. Before something else happens."

"You can't do that." Luke shakes his head. "You wouldn't know what to do with yourself. And you're too good at what you do."

"I could go into teaching full-time. Like Chris went into administration." Janet's referencing Chris Carwell, her Academy classmate who had opted out of active duty and become the D.C. office manager after a bullet had almost hit his spine. She's been meaning to call him and ask how he made that choice, but Chris also has a wife and two kids. He's gotten married; he has a family. She hasn't gotten to either of those things. "I don't want to leave—"

"—Then don't."

"—I don't want to end up in a wheelchair. Or dead."

Luke closes his eyes, trying not to think of either outcome. He can't imagine his life without Janet in it. He met her when he was just 24 and a third-year U.S. Attorney; she's been around for all of the major accomplishments in his career, which is his life. As much as he knows she loves someone else now, he can't shut off his feelings for her.

"I'll protect you every way I can," he replies quietly. "And I know I'm not the only one." A deep breath before he adds, "We've got the TRO. That'll keep Jack away from you. Depending on how this turns out, we can apply for a permanent restraining order. I know that... doesn't take care of everything. But it's something."

He's not sure about doing it, his movement hesitant at best, but Luke reaches down and takes Janet's available hand in his. Even though they're not lovers, he wants her to know they'll always be friends. Allies. People who support each other, even when they're terrible at it. They always try.
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Assistant U.S. Attorney Luke Cameron

July 2024

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