you say it's never easy
Nov. 14th, 2021 03:37 amyou say it's never easy;
"This isn't gonna get any easier," Luke tells Janet sincerely and in that moment he doesn't much care if she hates him. He's willing to do anything it takes for her to get her life back. Right now that means pushing her so she doesn't give up on herself.
The two of them don't talk about it but Luke was instrumental in Janet being able to pass her Bureau physical and return to active duty. When she'd finished physical therapy and needed to get back into shape, he was the one who was there. Luke was in the gym three times a week anyway, always wanting to be in shape himself and channeling whatever frustrations work gave him into his workout, and he made that decision for both of them. "You're coming with me," he told her when she expressed concern about being good enough. "We're going to take care of this."
Her leg has just given out and caused her to collapse on the treadmill. Luke catches her before she goes completely down and helps her to sit down on a nearby weight bench. He can see the pain on her face and the way she's gasping for breath. Of course he's worried about her, because he loves her and he never wants to see her suffer like this. But it's because he loves her that he's willing to be the bad guy in this situation. He'd rather she direct her anger and frustration at him than tear herself down yet again thinking she can't do this. Luke has witnessed Janet's self-destructive behaviors a lot over the years, and he's kind of tired of them.
"I know," she replies between ragged breaths. "Easy for you to talk when you don't have to live like this."
"You don't either if you put in the work to fix it," he retorts without hesitation. "Yeah, it fucking hurts, Janet, but guess what? You were shot three times. It's supposed to hurt. There's no easy way around it."
"It all still hurts," she tells him. "My back still bothers me where the bullets went in. It's healed but I still feel pain. And my fucking leg is a mess. I can walk to the fridge but I still can't sleep on it and I obviously can't run."
"It's a long-term injury. It's going to take time." Luke is talking out his ass, honestly, because his only medical knowledge comes from expert witnesses he's called in various cases but he's pretty sure what Janet has been through would be called long-term and that the aches and pains are part of the healing process. "You have to keep working at it. And we're going to keep working at it." Because he's not letting her off the hook. She doesn't get to give up when he thinks she needs to be out in the field closing cases. The Janet Ford he knows is a field agent whose fight is her best quality. She needs to be physically able to take those risks.
That doesn't mean he doesn't have empathy for her. Luke follows up that emphatic statement with a gentle squeeze of her shoulder. This isn't the last time he'll pick her up off the floor or hold her while she cries because it's too much. She has his complete support as they go through this process and he's never going to tell anyone about it. But this is something he can do for her that he didn't do before. He wasn't there the first time she was shot, out of fear and his own emotional confusion, and he's attempting to do better this time. Even though they're not together anymore he still wants to show that he cares.
"Take as long as you need," he encourages. "Is there anything that's seriously hurt?" When Janet shakes her head Luke hands her his water. "Take a drink, relax, and when you're ready we'll start over again."
They do this for months until Janet's planned physical date comes up. And together with the care and support she's getting from Holden and Michael, she's able to pass the test and get certified for the field much easier than she expected. She doesn't mention who she's been meeting at the gym but she calls Luke from her car and lets him know that she's passed. "I told you, you could do it," is all he says from his desk. "Congratulations, Janet."
They don't need to talk about it. About the time he's devoted to her and the emotional moments of watching her try and fail and be vulnerable. He knows she appreciates him without her having to say it and she knows he's content to stay in the background, knowing his place in her life has been taken by somebody else. But Janet's always grateful for what Luke has done for her and years later, when he catches a bullet in the arm, he thinks back on this. His injury is nowhere near as serious and doesn't require rehab but he knows Janet wouldn't let him bitch about it either. He needs to fight the way he pushed her to fight.
"How's the arm?" she asks the first time she sees him back at work.
"It's fine," he says on reflex before remembering who he's talking to. "It's good," he says more honestly. "It hurts a lot at the end of the day but I'm taking painkillers and working on it."
Janet nods. "Don't rely too heavily on the Advil," she says, thinking about Michael and his bruised back just a few months earlier. Medication had its place but it couldn't be all they did to take care of themselves. "If you need anything, you know where to find me." Luke gives her a small smile in return knowing she'll always be there for him. But rather than say that, especially after their last conversation about him not constantly running to her, he says, "I'll be okay. You don't need to worry about me."