usattorney | i've been trying to keep my distance

i've been trying to keep my distance;
"Cameron. Do we need to have a come to Jesus moment?"

Luke jerks his head up to look at his boss. It's uncommon for Bryan Alexander to refer to him by his last name and less common for him to ask if he's okay. Usually everyone assumes Luke can handle his own shit. But that really hasn't worked out for him lately. Not when he's been sitting at someone else's desk looking like he's zoned out, and Bryan remembers the last time that happened.

"No, sir," Luke says, scrubbing his hands over his face. "I'm fine. I was just thinking."

As he straightens up he realizes absently that this is how Janet must feel. She spent so many years keeping everything inside and soldiering on, and then the walls started to crack and it all came tumbling out. He's seen how she's so much more open now and so much more vulnerable; it's both admirable and frightening, and he wonders if it's happening to him. Albeit in a severely delayed reaction.

Bryan gives him a look, but doesn't haul Luke into his office because he's not the kind of U.S. Attorney to publicly announce his subordinates' personal issues. That look is Luke's cue to get out, though, and he stops only to grab his bag before he leaves. They both know where he's going.

Janet referred to Luke as a crutch yet she doesn't know that for Luke she's the same thing. She's always been there, for more than a decade, even when they were pissed at each other or buried under casework. Unlike Janet he hasn't been able to quit the addiction yet. He doesn't have anything else to take its place. There's no one that knows him better than her.

And he's been wondering if she's okay after the ordeal of testifying, and texts and a stray phone call just aren't cutting it. Plus, Kevin kicked him out of the courtroom a day ago after the argument he had with Janet's mother.

Luke is surprised to see Michael when the other man opens the door. Not that Michael isn't surprised to see him there in the middle of the afternoon. "Hey," Luke says awkwardly. "Is Janet... Is she busy?"

"I'm getting ready to take her to physical therapy," Michael explains. He still steps back to let him in because that's the polite thing to do. "Why are you here? Did something happen?"

"No, I..." He stares at the carpet as he walks in. He's still not used to talking about his feelings. "I just wanted to make sure she's still doing all right after everything. Why are you here?"

"I took over for Holden." Michael shuts the door and sizes up the U.S. Attorney. He rarely sees Luke as anything but on his game; it's a different thing to remember that he cares about either of them. "Is the trial bothering you?" he asks, wondering if that's what has him being particularly impulsive.

Luke chuckles bashfully. "Kevin told me to take the day off," he admits before getting his shit together. "It's fine as far as I know," he adds with an exhale. "I was just worried about Janet. If this time is half as bad as what she said the last one was like..."

They've both heard her tell the stories. Reporters calling her house, TV cameras following her to school, headlines denigrating her family. Janet was just a teenager then so they think she's stronger now but it's still not an experience they want her to relive. Luke takes another deep breath as his mind stops racing.

"Remember when we used to be friends?" he quips.

"Before you two ruined it by sleeping together?"

Luke chuckles. He would normally respond to that by saying that Janet had initiated sex with him, or make a smartass comment about how Michael had also slept with her. But that's the Luke Cameron of a few months ago. He doesn't see the point now. "I miss when it was so much less complicated," he admits.

"But you wouldn't take it back," Michael replies.

"No, I wouldn't."

Despite all the fights and the sort of cheating and the unexpected pregnancy there were a lot of happy moments. Had to be, Luke reasoned, if they kept on coming back to each other five fucking times. He and Janet made each other feel wanted, but also alive and like they could take on the world. He knows from his inability to find anyone else—Sandra doesn't count—that she wrecked him, probably for the better. That's what happens when you put two strong personalities together.

Michael took Janet's side every time, as he should. He was her best friend and like any sane person got very tired of her going back to him when they could never get it right. As much acrimony as ever existed between Janet and Luke, the tension between Michael and Luke was always thicker. Luke knows he's lucky that the FBI agent has never belted him and right now he wouldn't blame him for that either.

"I probably owe you an apology," Luke says. "I don't even fucking know for what anymore but after six years I'm sure I do. So can we call it even?"

"I guess we can." Michael shrugs. "We're all moving on."

After everything in the last 20 months fighting amongst themselves serves no purpose. It only makes things worse and so he's willing to let Luke off the hook to keep from anything getting more complicated. They'll never be close but they can get along. Just the fact that Luke is making a concerted effort to be around and see Janet when he doesn't have to, when it's an actual pain in the ass for him, shows the playing field has changed. He loosens his tie and glances around, just now remembering that Michael and Janet were supposed to be going somewhere.

"Can I help you with anything?" he asks.

"I have to go wake her up." Her partner pushes off the door. "If Janet says it's okay, you could come along. If you want to."

"If she wants me to." Before Luke would have just invited himself assuming she'd want his presence. "Anything's better than being in the office wondering what the hell is going on."