the end is the beginning

the end is the beginning;
Luke Cameron breathes a heavy sigh of relief when he makes it back to his office. The Richard Whitehouse trial has taken several months of argued motions, heated cross-examinations, and awkward testimony cajoling SEC employees to turn on their colleague. All along, his nerves have been on edge, hoping that Whitehouse's swanky defense attorneys weren't going to push the Jack Ford issue or call Janet Ford as a witness. Ultimately, they didn't pull the pin on that grenade, and Whitehouse was convicted on all charges; he now faces up to 20 years in federal prison.

The highly publicized conviction is a major win on Luke's already impressive record. It's results like this that made him Bureau Chief and keep him the most feared prosecutor in the U.S. Attorney's Office. But instead of celebrating, he's just glad it's over.

"Are you happy now?" Kevin Russell asks, knocking on his best friend's open door.

"No," Luke replies, shaking his head. "Not really."

Getting the guilty verdict is justice done for all of Whitehouse's many victims. It means that the hard work of the FBI financial crimes division and the emotional breakdown Janet suffered wasn't in vain. It doesn't change the fallout; he lost the woman he loves, given up to protect her from being ripped to shreds by Whitehouse's lawyers or hounded in the public eye. He knows Janet's been seen around with someone else, another agent from the FBI, but he's trying not to read too much into it. Luke's more concerned with her having spent an extra three months in therapy because of this. She could have lost everything, and he pretty much did.

"Did you talk to Janet?" Kevin says. "You should tell her you got him."

"I haven't yet." Luke leans back in his chair, aimlessly firing a pen across his desk. "I don't know what to say."

"Tell her the truth." The other man shrugs. "You've never sugarcoated anything. I think she'd especially appreciate your honesty now."

"It's usually when I'm honest that I put my foot in my mouth." Luke prefers not to communicate about his feelings. He knows he's not good at it and he doesn't put himself in situations that he can't win. "I know I did the right thing, but... We were really good this time. I don't think I've ever been that happy."

"Do you want me to give you the stock answer or the honest one?"

"Really?"

"You loved her and you lost her, and that fucking sucks," Kevin tells him matter of factly. "But you'd feel worse if you'd gotten her publicly destroyed. Or if your personal life had cost you this case."

Luke knows that to be the incontrovertible truth. As much as he and Janet had found what their relationship was actually supposed to be, nothing was worth subjecting her to a repeat of what she had been through as a teenager. That would have torn them apart anyway. He loves her enough to want her to be emotionally healthy and have a good life, and he knows she'll be better off. He also doesn't let anything jeopardize his clearance rate. That doesn't mean he's not frustrated.

"Talk to her," Kevin advises as he walks away. "At least tell her you're thinking about her."

Luke nods. He pulls his phone out, but then puts it back in his pocket. This is going to be a hard conversation but that's all the more reason why it shouldn't be done over text or on the phone. He needs to tell her in person. He should see her one last time, make sure things aren't awkward before they start working together again.

He didn't want it to end like this.