what you can't leave behind

one;

The three of them are sitting in Luke's office. Michael looks nervous but Luke isn't focused on him. His eyes are locked on Janet's, at least as much as she'll look him in the eye. "You don't have to do this," he assures her. "We can make it work with just Michael." He knows the jury will love Michael's testimony like always and all he loses by not putting Janet on the stand is a victim impact statement. He can make that up in his closing. But he watches her bite her lip, the slight shift in her jaw: the little tells that she's debating within herself.

"I want to testify," she says.

Neither of them are particularly happy about it. They don't want her to relive getting shot over again or expose her to pointed questions during a cross-examination. But Luke believes that's her decision. She's the one who decides what she can handle and unless it jeopardizes his case he has no right to say otherwise. So despite Michael's look of resignation, he nods, folding his hands in his lap. "Okay," he says. "I'll get you ready."

"I'll be here."

Michael runs a hand through his hair, still looking at the side of Janet's head like he's begging her to change her mind. When she doesn't his eyes shift to Luke and he says, slightly pointedly, "Can I talk to you outside?"

"Even though I know what it's going to be about, yes," Luke replies and stands from the chair.

Michael turns on him as soon as they're out the door. "Are you sure about this?" he asks. "No," Luke admits. "But I'm gonna do what she wants to do. She adds value to the case and maybe it'll be good for her."

"How the hell is it gonna be good for her?" Michael retorts. "If a defense attorney rips her to shreds?"

"Hopefully that won't happen. They'd have to be pretty heartless to do that. They'll be more likely to go after you," Luke says. "But all I can do is prep her and do my best to protect her. If she wants to tell her story... She just wants to be heard."

Michael hasn't thought of it that way. He nods slowly, shoving his hands in his pockets. The most important thing to him will always be what's best for Janet and if she wants to speak her truth then he'll support that, even if it scares him. "Take care of her," he says. "Don't let her be a victim again."

"I won't," Luke promises without hesitation. "Whatever I have to do, I swear I won't." He means that and he needs it. After fucking up before this is his chance to make something right.

He spends the better part of a week in that office after hours with Janet, going over every word of her testimony and cross-examination. Sometimes they're there past midnight. She breaks down in tears more than once. But he stays in that room with her and hears every word.

two;

When court adjourns for the day he finds Janet sitting in the atrium. They've liked to come there as far back as he can remember—to have conversations or to clear their heads. This is both those things. He won't say he's checking on her after her testimony, but he absolutely is. "You did good," he tells her.

"I could hardly stand being in the same room with him."

"That's a natural reaction for most people who've been affected by a crime." Luke replies as he comes to sit beside her. He doesn't want to touch her in case she's upset so he folds his hands in his lap. "It was solid testimony. Between you and Michael and the other witnesses—"

"—You mean the widows of the officers they actually killed."

"Yeah." He nods. "We have more than enough. The physical evidence is a bit more difficult, but that's my job. You did what you had to do and now you leave it with me."

"I know. I just..." She exhales. "I see it and hear about it everywhere. And everyone's looking at me. And I want to punch him in the face, and I shouldn't feel like that."

"That's called being human." But the media coverage he can't do anything about. First National is the biggest case in the district in years and it's been all over the news channels for months. He understands why she'd want to get away from it all. "If you need somewhere to stay," he suggests after a moment. "If the attention's too much or you just want to get away for a while... Do you want to come and stay at my place?"

Janet glances up, the offer taking her by surprise. She'd spent more than a few nights at his apartment when they were dating. But there's something different about this in his tone and the look in his eyes. He wants to protect her and make her feel safe. It makes her smile as much as she can muster. "Thank you," she says. "But I'm going to be miserable company and you need to focus on the trial."

"It doesn't matter." He shakes his head. She's right that when he's mid-trial he prefers to zone in on his case. That was one of the flaws in their relationship before, that he prioritized being on top of his game over paying attention to or even remembering to call her. But he's willing to risk getting distracted this time if Janet doesn't want to be home alone afraid of anyone showing up on her doorstep. It's this trial that will prompt her to move to a different building with a doorman.

"I want you to focus on this trial," Janet says, staring off at the skyline, "and get a conviction." She can't bear to think of her shooter getting away with it. He can't take away the pain. He can't stop her panics. But the one thing she knows he can do, without a doubt, is make sure the person who caused it all is held responsible.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asks. The slightest desperation in his voice because he's wanted to do something to make up for what he failed to do. But Janet just shakes her head. "I don't even know what I'm doing," she says. "I wouldn't know what to tell you. Just... get this guy so I can sleep at night and that'll be enough."

three;

The jury convicts James Holland on all counts. Janet is the first person Luke looks at, even before he registers them or the defendant's reaction. He turns around to watch her in the gallery, her head dropping into her hands while Michael pulls her into his arms. He can only guess at the sense of relief she feels.

As soon as they're dismissed he makes a point of catching up before they can leave the courthouse. "Can you give us a minute?" he asks Michael, who nods and lets go of Janet's waist. He'd expected the prosecutor would want a word. "I'll meet you downstairs," he says and leaves them to it.

Luke sighs as Michael heads for the elevator. He has no idea what to say in this moment; he just knows he should say something and it's not telling her what Holland is likely to get at sentencing. "Are you feeling any better?" he tries. "Are you... What happens from here?"

"I go back to work. I've got cases on my desk." Janet shrugs; she'd been back on the job days after the shooting and she's been working this whole time, not willing to let her moral obligations go to take care of herself. "It's better knowing he'll be behind bars. That neither of them can hurt me ever again."

He nods, but Luke can see there's something she's holding back. "What?" he prompts.

"I don't think I can look at the world the same way anymore." Janet admits with the slightest crack in her voice. "How do I get past that? It feels stupid, because we risk our lives every day, but I... I can't stop seeing it. Seeing everything like it could hurt me or you or Michael and I just wish I could forget..."

Luke doesn't let her finish the sentence. He closes the short distance between them and pulls Janet into a hug. He can't make her feel any better about the world but he doesn't want her to feel worse about herself. His fingers brush her stomach and he can hear her sharp inhale. But that's the point. He wants her to know that even after her injury he still cares about her. Maybe even moreso knowing how he could have lost her and never had a clue until it was too late. "I'm sorry. For not being there," he says quietly against her shoulder. "But I'm here now."

He knows it won't be enough. But at least it's something. At least they've gotten through this and can look toward the future, whatever it may be. Luke doesn't believe their lives will ever be the same again but he won't tell her that. She doesn't deserve to have her heart broken again, certainly not by him when he's already broken it before.