usattorney | you don't have to stay now

you don't have to stay now;
Luke calls Janet from the fourth-floor balcony. "Hey, can we, uh, meet for coffee?" he says. "Something came up at work just now and I want you to be in the loop on it." She can read between the lines—if he's wanting to meet in person instead of telling her over the phone, it's serious. "Yeah, sure," she replies, already getting a little anxious wondering what has him concerned. "I'm working at Quantico today. You want to drive up and meet me?"

"Yeah, I guess I can do that." Truthfully he shouldn't take two hours out of his schedule to make that drive, but getting away from his office will do him some good—as well as his colleagues who won't have to watch him stew on this. So once he finishes the call, he walks back into the bullpen and announces, "I'm going to Quantico," to no one in particular. Kevin does not look surprised at the news. Neither is Bryan Alexander, who was the first person Sandra had spoken to and so he can understand why his protégé is taking an early lunch if not exactly what he's doing with it.

Janet conversely is oblivious when she sees Luke come through the doors into the lobby. She figures there's been a development in a case that he wants to give her the heads-up on, or something that she can help him with professionally. Sandra's return is the last thing she ever expected to discuss with him—as evidenced by the blank stare she gives him when he tells her and the way he facepalms seeing her reaction. "I know," he mutters through his fingers. "It just didn't feel right not to tell you."

She's deciding how she feels about this information. If it had been a few years ago she would have been enraged. She had disliked Sandra from the moment she'd found out Luke was sleeping with her—by seeing them together—and that had only turned to anger once they'd started fighting about Madeline. And if it had come up when they were reconciling she would've been similarly defensive. But things are different now. Luke is not her boyfriend anymore, hasn't been for three and a half years, and he's driven a whole fucking hour just to say this in person. Does she have any grounds to be upset now?

"What did you say to her?" she asks cautiously. She doesn't have any claim on him, but she still doesn't want to think of Luke ending up with that woman.

"I told her no. Immediately. I think she was put off by it," he admits. "But what the hell did she expect? That she divorces her husband and I'm gonna be here keeping a seat warm for her? And past that..." He bites his lip, knowing this is why Kevin was advising him against having this conversation. He's letting his anger get the better of him and he needs to stay focused, especially when they're in public at Janet's workplace. He's not going to embarrass her. "I know how much it hurt you that I was with her," he says, calmer now. "It didn't matter that we were broken up. I was pissed at you and wanting to move on, and maybe I wanted to show you I could, but all it taught me was that I couldn't. At least not like that."

He swallows. "I want you to know she didn't mean anything to me," he adds. "I hooked up with her to try and forget you. Not because of you. And if I'd known about Madeline, I would've ended things a lot sooner than I did."

"Thank you." Janet nods, taking a slow breath of her own. He's right that it doesn't matter now but this is information she's never had before. Luke would never have thought to say it and she wouldn't have wanted to hear anything about his rebound. But it helps that he's telling her she was wrong all those years ago—he hadn't just tossed her aside for Sandra. It had in fact been the exact opposite. She opens her mouth to apologize for the way she'd yelled at him back then, but he puts a finger up to stop her. "I was trying to get my shit together to tell you," he says. "I just ran out of time."

She doesn't have to ask what he was going to tell her or what stopped him from doing it. She knows, on both counts. And if his heart was in his stomach walking in the door, hers is now, because of what comes with that new understanding of the timeline. That their relationship had been an even bigger disaster than they thought. Not only had she not told him about the baby, but he hadn't told her how he really felt, so no wonder why their breakup had been so vicious and why it had been so messy to pick up the pieces after First National. Both of them had been acting without having all the pieces. If they'd only been honest with each other, what might have happened then?

"Don't say it," he cautions her, firmly so she knows he's serious. He doesn't want to hear the apology or her second-guessing her decisions. That'll just put them back into the same cycle they've only recently been able to break. Luke barely has the emotional space for this conversation. "Even if we'd known I still would have broken up with you to protect you on Whitehouse. You made the right choice. I'm just telling you now because I want you to understand how little I give a fuck about this."

"You're right, though," she admits. "I appreciate you telling me. If I'd heard it through the rumor mill, I would've been worried that you'd end up back with her."

Luke knows then that he was right in coming here, even if it's a punch in the gut for both of them. "Even if I wanted to," he assures her, "I'd never disrespect our friendship like that." Their relationship is more valuable to him than anyone else. He'd sacrifice any romantic prospects to keep one of his oldest friends on his side, and that acknowledgement makes Janet swallow roughly again before she reaches across the table to squeeze his hand. She doesn't know what to say, but she wants him to know that means something to her. A lot, even, given how disrespected she'd felt before. The pain and even shame she'd carried into her break up with Holden and the reason why they were even sitting here.

He looks up to realize Holden has walked up behind them, clearly meeting Janet for their own lunch. The two of them lock eyes and there's that mutual what the fuck are you doing here moment but they move past it. "I didn't mean to interrupt," Holden says and Luke shakes his head. "You're not. I should be heading back to my office anyway," he admits, pushing back from the table. He doesn't want to say anything about the conversation in case Janet doesn't want to bring the subject up with Holden. "Thanks for taking a couple of minutes to let me vent," is all he gives away before walking past both of them and out the door.

It doesn't surprise him that Janet texts that afternoon to ask if he's okay, given his abrupt exit. In fact, it makes him chuckle knowingly. He'd dragged out a terrible memory for her and she's worried about him. So he responds by asking if she's okay and when she affirms she is, he leaves it at that. It feels good that Janet sees how he was forthright with her and good that he told her the truth finally. That's what he's going to focus on instead of the drama. Stay in the moment, just like Christie has been telling him.