usattorney | the silence of the universe

the silence of the universe;
Luke has never been a holiday person—including his own birthday. So when he turns 35, he has exactly zero intention of doing anything about it, while also being aware that somebody else will. He doesn't mind that; they're doing something nice for him and it feels good to feel appreciated. But he just knows that he isn't going to get away with going to work and then taking himself to dinner like he does every year. He gets to the office to find out that his team have bought him a cake, which they indulge in with their morning coffee. Then there's Janet, who very much is a holiday person, making a bigger deal than he expected.

He's not surprised at all that she calls; she's known for remembering birthdays and anniversaries and other dates he very much forgets if they're not related to a trial calendar. But after the first year they met, when she learned that he didn't share her enthusiasm for holidays, she stopped trying to do anything huge for him. Add in that they haven't been a couple in nearly four years now and that she's just gotten back a few weeks ago from a major case and he's genuinely shocked when she says, "Do you want to go out tonight?"

"Don't you have literally anything else to do?" is Luke's instinctual reaction.

Janet laughs. "I'm staying in for a while," she says. "And I'll have an hour or two tonight before Holden gets home."

"Because what I need on my birthday is your boyfriend coming home and murdering me."

"He doesn't have the predisposition for murder," she replies, realizing too late that she's just paraphrased the exact thing Holden said to her about his parents. Sometimes he really has rubbed off on her. But that's beside the point in this conversation. "I can go out with you and still be home on time. If you want to; if you don't, that's okay, too."

"No, I appreciate you asking," Luke says quickly, not wanting her to feel that he doesn't respect the effort she's making. "I just hadn't thought about it. It's Tuesday. I have an arraignment in two hours. There was a cake earlier..." He trails off, contemplating pros and cons before he decides that logically there isn't any harm in accepting her invitation. An hour or two isn't enough time for anything to get out of hand and if it won't cause in a problem in her relationship, there are a lot worse things he could be doing. "Okay, what are you thinking?" he concedes.

"Drinks?" she suggests. "Or dessert? We haven't been to Smoke & Mirrors for a while."

"Sure." He pauses as something else occurs to him. "This isn't some surprise thing where Kevin and 14 other people are going to pop out, right?"

"Then I'd be worried about you murdering me." Luke chuckles at Janet's response before they hang up on each other. He truthfully forgets that conversation and anything else related to his birthday until he's in the bullpen that afternoon and Kevin hands him a wrapped gift box. His best friend has always looked out for him and remembering the date is one more example. "You didn't have to get me anything," Luke mutters and Kevin chuckles. "For someone who admits he has a massive ego, you'd think you wouldn't downplay this," he quips. "You doing anything later?"

"Janet wants to go out."

"You should go," Kevin encourages him. "You've got to stop thinking of yourself as a problem." Luke is caught off-guard by the nudge that comes with, but the sentence throws him more. He's predisposed to consider himself the outsider given how much damage he's done to most of his relationships. Luke has put in the work to repair some of those bridges, particularly with Janet and then Michael on the Melissa Wallace case, but he does tend to think he'll be imposing in their personal lives. Maybe that's something he needs to bring up with Christie the next time he sees her.

It's a thought still on his mind when he meets Janet at the rooftop bar after work. The sun is just starting to set and the candles flickering on the tables give the place a perfect glow as Luke walks over, giving her the hug he knows she's going to give him anyway. He sits beside her sipping the whiskey she already ordered for him and listens to her talk about her day before he chokes on it when she starts singing along with the song from a Disney musical that's on the playlist in the background. Another one of the things he forgets is that Janet loves musicals.

"That better not be a hint," he tells her as he recovers.

"Oh, I'm sure there are lots of things I could show you," she replies, "but you're very much not a princess."

There are a lot of new things she's experienced since being with Holden. She's taken dance lessons and learned to cook at least enough to not burn the apartment down if he's traveling, and more importantly she's learned about communicating and being a realist about what actually is in a relationship instead of what she wants. But that doesn't mean she's going to push all that onto Luke. And one of the things Luke has figured out is that while he'd rather be on his own, he still has to learn how to connect with people. It doesn't mean that he has to be social, but it behooves him to be part of the group and not outside of it. It's not an issue for Janet to spend an hour with him before she goes home. Or for his colleagues to get him a birthday cake. Those things are part of life.

"You do have a really great voice," he tells her. "I'm sorry I didn't get to hear it more often."

"In fairness to you, I put it aside until Holden came along. I always thought it'd be unbecoming of an FBI agent to perform as a hobby." She chuckles, looking across at the skyline. "Took me drunk stumbling into an audition, and even then Adam had to ask me four times before I agreed to come to class with him." A pause. "I'm sure there's something we can do together."

She doesn't sing with anybody outside of class; Janet still holds onto her third date karaoke with Holden as one of her favorite memories and doesn't want to share that with anyone else. The same principle applies to dancing and to a lesser extent, bowling; those are things she does with her boyfriend. But she also goes out to baseball games and hockey games with her team knowing that Holden is not a sports fan, so she doesn't see any reason why she couldn't find something to get Luke out of his office. The offer surprises him and he knows he'll have to think about it, which is exactly what he tells her. That mindset of being a problem isn't going to change in one night.

"We'll talk about it," he says noncommittally. "I'm just glad to know all of you better now." Because he's made the effort to ask questions, and in cases like this literally show up, he understands his friends in little ways he didn't before. And Luke enjoys that.

"We'll always be here," Janet encourages him with a small smile as her gaze falls over the D.C. skyline. She's forever been an open book and she's seen how Luke is getting back what he's finally been putting in to his relationships. "You're important to us, Luke. Maybe it isn't as obvious, but you'll always be one of us. We've been through a lot over 13 years and you've played a major part in that."

"I do my best." Luke tips his glass toward her. "Thank you, Janet. For tonight, and for not letting me off the hook."