usattorney | drown in good intentions

drown in good intentions;
Luke Cameron has only ever broken once. It happens five months after James Holland's murder trial. He's been going full speed for nine months and everyone can see it except him. It's in how Luke hasn't shaved in three days when he's usually immaculate. Once is forgetting, twice is a mistake, three times is willful ignorance. His hair isn't exactly gelled in place and he hasn't seemed to notice that either. But everyone else has and is just too intimidated by him to say anything, including his second chair Patrick Ryden and Janet Ford, who are talking to Luke in his office when he finally collapses.

"Fuck," Janet says, doing her best to catch him while Luke has managed to half hold himself up by the corner of his desk. Once she somewhat has him she glances up at Ryden. "Can you get Kevin in here?"

"Yeah," Pat agrees and disappears out the door to find Kevin Russell.

As soon as he's gone, Janet turns her attention back to Luke. "What is going on with you?" she asks pointedly. "I'm fine," he insists, starting to push himself up. "Bullshit," Janet replies. "You're not fine. You just nearly hit the floor."

"I'm fine," Luke snaps back, settling into his chair. "I'm just tired. It's been a long couple of days." There's the slightest hesitation before he corrects, "Couple of days. Months."

"Which is why you shouldn't be here." Kevin is standing in the doorway looking at both of them. Janet still on her knees looking up at Luke, whose entire body language changes when he realizes his best friend is in the room. His shoulders tighten and so does his tone. "Don't you fucking start with me," he says without glancing over.

"Maybe somebody should." Kevin slides his hands into his pockets, undeterred. He's never dealt with an attorney as fierce as Luke Cameron but he's worked with plenty of difficult ones and they don't bother him in the slightest. "You haven't taken a day off in nine months. And if you're pissed off now, think how much angrier you'll be when you start fucking up convictions."

"Nine months?" Janet echoes. "Luke..."

He's had too much to think about at work—and not enough to think about outside of it. His breakup with Janet was eleven months and two weeks ago, and he hasn't filled that void with anything. He's got no interest in doing so. Work is what he has and work is what he can control. He's taken every ounce of rage and anguish that he kept mostly under control so as not to fuck up the Holland trial and poured it into all the cases he's had since. He hasn't lost one but he's burning himself out and looking at his best friend and the woman he still loves, Luke doesn't see a reason to tell them anything but the truth.

"Close the door," he says and Kevin does. When he's alone with the two people he trusts most, he lets his shoulders fall. Maybe it's finally being called out when no one calls him out. Maybe it's being aware that he almost hit his head on the corner of his desk. Maybe it's knowing that they're not going to let him out of his office unless he's completely honest. Whatever the reason, he can say things to them he'll never admit to. "I've been working a long time," he says. "But it's what I know how to do. I don't want... I don't want to stop. If I stop, I won't know what to do with myself."

The vulnerability in that sentence hangs in the air. Janet feels a lump in her throat that keeps her from getting any words out. She's been so caught up in her own pain and anger—her PTSD, her panic that Holland will somehow get out of prison and finish the job, her frustration at Luke not being there when she needed him most—that she hasn't thought about how this affected him. It was just another breakup. Or at least it was supposed to be.

At least Kevin can say something. "Maybe you should process what actually happened to you," he suggests.

"It didn't happen to me," Luke protests with a bittersweet laugh. "It happened to Janet."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is. I'm not the one who got shot and almost bled out on the pavement. I'm not the one who spent three hours in surgery at George Washington. I'm just the one who found out from fucking TV and showed up four days later..." He doesn't finish the sentence because his voice breaks, leaving him staring at his hands.

Luke doesn't look up until Janet finally says something. "It wasn't just me," she tells him. "Michael had to watch me bleed out under his hands until the paramedics got there. My team worked double time to help catch the people who did this. My parents, God knows what they felt. Two police officers died that day and two innocent people got shot. It didn't just happen to me, Luke," she insists, reaching to take one of his hands in hers. "It happened to you, too."

He stares at their hands for a moment before he can find his voice again. "What do I do?" he asks her, then looks at Kevin. "Tell me what to do."

"You go home," Kevin says in that same gentle but matter of fact tone. "Ryden will take your case. You go home, take a couple of days to yourself, and figure your shit out. Then you come back when you're ready."

"What if I can't figure it out?"

"You will." His best friend says it with the barest hint of a smile. "Because you're Luke Cameron."

That makes Luke chuckle despite himself. He's terrible at self-care and worse at feelings, and this incident won't change that. It takes several more years, his getting accidentally involved in a human trafficking case, and a bullet in his arm for him to be willing to develop his emotional shortcomings. But he understands that he needs a break if for no other reason than Kevin's right: he won't let his personal life affect his prosecutions. And Janet's words, her acknowledgement that she doesn't hate him anymore for letting her down, are just enough comfort for him to take it. "Don't say anything to anybody," he mutters.

"We won't." Kevin shakes his head. He doesn't know what he's going to say, because people will talk when they notice Luke is gone considering he's never gone, but he'll think of some excuse and Pat will help him cover because he can figure it out. The important thing is that his friend and colleague gets a chance to finally catch his breath. "Take him home, would you?" he asks Janet before he walks out the door. Luke mutters something else about how he can drive himself but still hands her the keys to his BMW anyway. He'll never let things get this bad again; even when the situation is worse, when Janet could've been shot dead in the courthouse parking lot, he holds it together because he's learned from this experience. He understands that he never wants to feel like this again.